20 Years Ago
Ianos studied the chimera pride that roamed the foothills outside Timmons for months in search of the runt. With a pair of large males and several females, it took him longer than he wanted, but once discovered, he kept his eye on it. In a final attempt of self-preservation, they abandoned it weeks ago. Each day it grew weaker, languishing without the companionship of the pride. On the fourteenth day, Ianos executed his oh so easy plan.
Armed with nothing other than his knowledge of spells, he made his final trek to the foothills. He was much closer than he’d been in his previous visits to the chimera grounds and never seen anything like the beast before. It lay in the sun, with only one head awake, but not alert. The lion head mewled, mourning its fate. Its paper lantern thin wings stretched on the ground while the dragon and goat heads slept.
It was awing.
The lion head despondently watched Ianos’ approach but roared to awaken the other two heads when Ianos crossed some unknown border. The beast rose to its full height, stretched its wings wide, and bellowed—all three heads created a cacophony of rage.
Ianos snarled and crouched, ready to strike. Electricity spurted from his palms towards the chimera. It dodged at the last second and ran head-on towards the sorcerer. He ran into a cave to his right; he’d have better luck surviving the fight if he was able to corner the animal. The beast skidded, turned, and charged again. Ianos leapt onto its back. He held tightly onto the lion’s neck scruff and struggled to pull a lasso out of his jeans.
And here are my edits.
20 Years Ago
Ianos studied the chimera pride that roamed the foothills outside Timmons for months in search of the runt. (This sentence is a bit of a mouthful. Could you lose “that roamed the foothills outside Timmons” and add the location in later?) With a pair of large males and several females, (this is confusing–are the males and females guarding the runt?) it took him longer than he wanted, but once discovered, he kept his eye on the runt. In a final attempt of self-preservation, the pride abandoned it weeks ago. Each day it grew weaker, languishing without the companionship of the pride. On the fourteenth day, Ianos executed his oh so easy (delete)plan.
Armed with nothing other than his knowledge of spells, he made his final trek to the foothills. He was much closer than he’d been in his previous visits to the chimera grounds and had never seen anything like the beast before. (Are you referring to the runt? I might not use the phrase “beast.” It conjures up images of something more powerful than the runt of the litter). It lay in the sun, with only one head awake, but not alert. The lion head mewled, mourning its fate. Its paper lantern thin (the wording of this took me out of the story) wings stretched on the ground while the dragon and goat heads slept.
It was awing. (“It” refers back to the chimera, so I had to read this twice to get that you were talking about the scene being awing)
The lion head despondently watched Ianos’ approach but roared to awaken the other two heads when Ianos crossed some unknown border. The beast rose to its full height, stretched its wings wide, and bellowed—all three heads created a cacophony of rage. (I might consider starting your story from this point—this is where the action is).
Ianos snarled and crouched, ready to strike. Electricity spurted (I’m not such a fan of this word in this context. Spurted seems too weak for electricity) from his palms toward the chimera. It dodged at the last second and ran head-on toward (although this is the second time you’ve used toward in so many sentence. Maybe have it run “at” him?) the sorcerer. He ran into a cave to his right; (mention the cave earlier, otherwise it reads as a too-convenient plot device) he’d have better luck surviving the fight if he was able to corner the animal. The beast skidded, turned, and charged again. Ianos leapt onto its back. He held tightly onto the lion’s neck scruff and struggled to pull a lasso out of his jeans.
Thanks for volunteering, Alicia! Overall, I would recommend starting right at the action and mentioning how he was watching the chimera for weeks later, perhaps to break up the fight between them. Does that make sense?
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